WHERE THE ANGELS SLEEP by TB's LMC RATED FRPT

But this strange thing we never said, that what we loved so could be dead.

From "A Child's Question" by Emma Huntington Nason

"Daddy?"

Jeff Tracy flinched at the sound of his third son John's voice. He was buried in work again. Again.

Always. Only way to keep his mind off...off...

"Daddy?"

He turned in his swivel chair, gray eyes looking down upon his towheaded youngster. "Hi, John."

The boy crawled up into his lap. He was four years old, and his father hadn't been home in weeks. In weeks. Always running. Always running away.

Only way to keep his mind off...off...

"Daddy?" little Johnny repeated for the third time.

"What is it, Son?"

"Where'd Mommy go?"

Jeff swallowed hard and looked away from those light blue eyes, eyes that trusted so much, wanted so much...eyes that asked a question he didn't know the answer to. Didn't want to know the answer to.

Only know she's not here.

Look away. Don't look at him. Little man, Mommy used to read to him. But don't look at him now. Look at the clock.

Only way to keep his mind off...off...

"Where's Mommy?"

"She's with the angels."

"Scotty said she was sleeping."

"She is."

"Daddy?"

"Mm?"

Don't look at him. Too much to take.

"Where do the angels sleep?"

Chest constricting, throat closing up. "I don't know, John. Heaven, I suppose. They sleep in Heaven."

I don't know.

Satisfied, Johnny wrapped his arms around his father's neck and squeezed so hard he cut Jeff's air off. Jeff hugged him back...automaton response...watched as he climbed down to the floor and took off into the hall.

I don't know where the angels sleep, John. I don't know.

The blind faith of a child. They sleep in Heaven, Johnny. Daddy knows.

But I don't. I don't.

Can't stop and think about this now.

Can't think about anything else.

Without you here, the air has changed.

Push away from the desk, eyes blinking far too fast, catching the picture on the corner.

The picture of her.

Can't do it, Luce. Can't do it without you.

Can't be with the boys like I should.

Can't look them in the eyes without seeing you.

Every corner, everywhere I turn, you're there. Don't stand still long enough to see you. Don't stand still long enough to hear the echoes.

Don't stand still too long. You'll remember.

Don't stand still long enough to love.

Can't feel it anymore.

Want to feel it. Want to feel you. But you're not here. You're...there.

Where do the angels sleep?

He picked up the photograph, remembering the day it was taken. Just after the camera shutter had clicked, she'd quietly said, "I love you, Jeff Tracy."

I love you, Lucille Tracy.

Now he would never say those words to her again.

Daddy?

No, John. Don't ask.

Where do the angels sleep?

Jeff rose from his desk. There was one place he knew he could go where he might find out. But then it would bring him too close to...

No choice. She was there. Not here. He put the picture back down on the desk.

Lucy.

"Lucy."

A single word, a breathless whisper. One finger looking so old to its owner, tracing lines of perfection under a glass frame that were turning to dust...that had turned to dust, along with his dreams.

The car idled on the paved road next to where the fresh earth had not yet produced grass.

There it is.

Lucy.

This is where the angels sleep, Johnny. This hard earth, buried six feet down.

He stepped out of the car and walked across too-green grass to where the dark brown earth mounded into a painful memory of that day. That day.

Can't feel.

Working. Working takes my mind off...off...

Off you.

Sunrise takes me away. Sunset brings me home. Make the rounds of their rooms, they're all there sleeping. Together, but alone. Without me. Without you.

Without us.

The business is going well. It's really going to take off, I know it.

Stared at the gravestone but didn't see the name. Blurred...vision clouded on purpose, so as not to see the name.

I keep going. Keep trying. Make a life for the boys. Your boys.

Our boys.

Not getting anywhere, just going along. Going along without you.

"You know, Jeff, I have the name of a great counselor..."

"I know someone you can talk to..."

"Grief is a funny thing, Jeff..."

No, it's not. It's not funny at all. And there is no grief, dammit. No grief. It's just over. Won't do it. Fine, call it pride if you want to, Luce. I don't need anyone's help.

Falling...falling...falling...

Maybe if I run myself hard enough I'll find you again.

No.

I'm still here. Still here, Lucy. And you're not. You're down there, down in the earth at my feet.

No closer. No closer to you.

It's a quagmire, and I'm in deep, Luce. But not close enough to you. I can't reach you.

Turn over in the night, bed empty and cold.

And you're not there.

No closer.

Everywhere I look, you're there. But you're not.

A plane. The city. Anywhere but here. Keep it back there, hidden.

"How about a round of golf, Jeff?"

"Let's take the kids to a movie, I'll help you with them."

Have you gone crazy? I just lost...no...don't think...don't think about that...

I can't see them like we used to. They're different to me now. It doesn't matter. They don't understand.

All I want is to see you standing here with me, looking down as though this weren't yours.

But it is. And you're not here.

I want to see you. Just one more time. One more...

Don't think...don't think...

Take in a long, slow breath and let it out. Eyes finally focus, see the name on the stone. But the words just don't register.

It's not her. It can't be. She's not gone.

I'll never love anyone like you, Luce. Never. I can't.

But I can't think about you right now.

Can't let the memories in.

She's gone.

I can't let her go. I can't let you go, Lucy. I can't.

"Daddy?"

No, Johnny, don't ask me. Don't ask me that. I don't know.

"Where do the angels sleep?"

I don't know, John. I don't know.

One last look at it. Cold, hard granite.

Here. They sleep here.

It's taken ten thousand days to get stuck in my ways
And it offers no grace, I cannot stand this place
With love in my face I walk away slowly

You made me laugh. You made me love. Without you...I can't.

You're here, but you're not. And so I find nothing...nothing to ease the pain. Just an empty hole where the heart used to be.

I hate this place. I hate that you're here.

Turn and walk back toward the car.

The angels sleep here, John. Your Mommy sleeps here.

Lucy...Lucy sleeps here.

Walk away.