'ER INDOORS by MIRVENA RATED FRPT

Cutting-Room Floor Series. Missing scene from Trapped in the Sky.

Behind every ruthless super-villain lies a yet more ruthless woman.

Editor’s notes:

Following the rebel retreat from Kuala Lahan three months ago, archaeologists have recently stumbled across the remains of an ancient temple. On entering, it became clear that the temple had been the scene of more recent activity, and, while there had clearly been an attempt to erase all signs of occupation, small amounts of security video footage were discovered in a vault. These appear to show some of the under-cover activities of the arch-villain known to posterity only as ‘The Hood’. These tapes were kindly donated to the CAN archives by chief researcher Professor Berry Diepe, and our team of translators and technicians have been working with them since. The material transcribed to date appears below:

The Hood: (to unseen adversary). What is wrong? Why don’t you speak? When will International Rescue start operating?!

Disembodied voice: (strangulated tone apparently emanating from a statue). They are ready! International Rescue… is…ready to start operating!

A second disembodied voice: BelAAAAAAAHHHHH?

The Hood: (hastily closing drapes around the statue). In here, oh light of my life, my fair one.

A small, round woman enters brandishing wooden spoon.

Mrs Hood: Oh, this is where-a you are. I might have-a guessed!

The Hood: I have been gathering information on my greatest enemy, International Rescue.

Mrs Hood: (tutting) International Rescue, International Rescue. All I hear about these days is International Rescue.

The Hood: But my love, my dearest, I have learned from my feeble half-brother that they are just about to commence operations. This is my chance! They will be lured out into the open, and I will have them, I will smash them, I will tear them to pieces, I WILL….

Mrs Hood: Careful, you silly oaf-a. (Flaps her spoon). Have you forgotten already what the doctor said-a about your blood pressure? Now, come with me to the kitchen and I will fix-a you up with a nice glass of warm milk and then you can curl up for the afternoon with a good book, hm?

The Hood: But when I gain the secrets of Jeff Tracy and his accursed brood I will be able to RULE THE WORLD!!!

Mrs Hood: Rule the world? Bah! Always with you it’s world domination.

The Hood: But dearest one, would you not like to live in a grand palace and have servants to wait on you day and night?

Mrs Hood: A palace? A palace, he says! Ha! Right now I’d settle for a nice-a little bungalow! Do you know how much a ruined temple costs-a to heat in the winter? I want to move to the suburbs, but no, he says-a we have-a to move to the jungle! The jungle, no less! (Rolls eyes).

The Hood: But my darling, my little puff pastry, I needed a secure retreat away from the prying eyes that would uncover my dastardly plots.

Mrs Hood: Secure? Secure?! If you want security, then fix-a the lock on the door. Last-a night three gibbons let themselves in and played ninepins with my hair rollers. I had-a to chase them out-a with the broom. And while you’re at it, you can fix the leaking tap. (Gives gesture of disgust). He wants-a to rule-a the world and he cannot even persuade a plumber out.

The Hood: I’ll fix the faucet, my sweet, my little dove. When I have a moment, you know? So many things to do, so many plots to hatch, so…

Mrs Hood: And the roof in the drawing room? When it rains it’s-a like The Flood in there. And all the beasts, they come-a in, two-a-by two by two.

The Hood: When I rule the earth I will build you your own ark. I will have Jefferson Tracy and his detestable progeny put it together with their bare hands. (He catches her around the middle and squeezes). Would you like that, my little flowerpot, my munchkin, hm?

Mrs Hood: (hitting him with the wooden spoon). When-a you rule-a the world! Ha!

The Hood: (canoodling closer). I do it all for you, my Princess, you know that, don’t you, hm?

Mrs Hood: Humpf!

The Hood: So tell me, my angel of light, what are we having for supper tonight, hm?

Mrs Hood: (sniffs). ‘What are we having for supper?’ he says. Do you know how hard it is to get-a them to deliver out here? And you – you have not taken me shopping in months.

The Hood: But it is a six-hour round-trip, my little ducklet, my water-pansy.

Mrs Hood: And we are all-a out of meat in the freezer. I wanna make-a a stew. So you know what-a to do, don’t you, my fearsome one, my world dominator?

The Hood: (visibly blanching). Oh, but surely, you cannot mean…

Mrs Hood: Out to the run with-a you. We have-a plenty. They are breeding, well – like-a rabbits. Bring a nice fat one, Belah.

The Hood: But my love, oh, queen of my heart, there must be something at the bottom of the freezer. Not the rabbits, please. Spare the rabbits.

Mrs Hood: Now, Mr Hood, don’t be a baby. Bring me a juicy one.

The Hood: Not the little baby bunnies. The little fluffy bunnies, please my love – think of the look in their little eyes when you….

Mrs Hood: One bunny. Hypnotize it, Belah! It’s what you’re good at, after-a all.

The Hood: Please, my love. I’m begging you…

Mrs Hood: Beg all you like. If you were a real man you’d dispatch it yourself instead of leaving it to your poor wife. Out with you and fetch it.

(The Hood exits, weeping).

Mrs Hood: (shouting after him). And Belah?

The Hood: (distantly). Yes, oh, my iron maiden?

Mrs Hood: That General called. What’is-a-name-a. Wants-a to know if you’re free to invade Sweden on Tuesday?

The Hood: (resignedly). Yes, my love.

Author’s Notes: No actual rabbits were harmed in the writing of this story.