TIME FOR REFLECTION by ZIGGY RATED FRT

Things don't always turn out the way you want them to, and John uses the isolation of duty on Thunderbird 5 to recover from one of those times...

Space...no past, no future, just the present. Exactly what I need right now, just existing in a place where reflection comes undisturbed. So glad to be back here where solitude can help me recover from the emotional turmoil of the past year.

To think I came so close to giving all this up. Her face is etched in my subconscious, like a picture painted on canvas. It's like my emotions have frozen, I can't feel anything anymore; the future seems very cold right now, like a vast, bleak glacier stretching out in front of me.

Up here I don't have to pretend; things are far from fine, but being in the station away from prying questions and strained answers, I finally have a chance to mend. They say time heals...something I thought we had. The numbness is swept aside again by pain; my stomach tensing as though it has been punched a hundred times. My throat tightens as I remember her eyes, so crystal clear, her lips, so soft...

STOP THIS! I'm driving myself crazy. I shut down on the feelings and will the numbness to return.

I gaze out of the observation window, and slowly the dark expanse of space washes over me and I begin to regain that feeling of inner peace and calmness. At times like this I thank dad for assigning me to Thunderbird 5 when International Rescue first started. I remember how I felt when dad told me I was to be space monitor for the organisation. It would be a venture unlike anything I had ever experienced; and even though a month in space had sounded like it was going to be a long time, it really wasn't, in the beginning.

In the beginning...what a cliché; in the beginning it was perfect, in the beginning it seemed so right. I can't help it, my mind goes back once again to remember the first time I spent any quality time with her...

I'd been assigned to work at the London Observatory in Greenwich for four days and felt it an ideal opportunity to take a break. We'd arranged to meet at 12 o'clock outside the Observatory building, but faults on the new metro system delayed me. As I hurried through the crowded high street the sun's rays warmed the back of my neck and I sensed someone watching. It was her, dressed in pale blue slacks and blouse that set off her clear blue eyes. Strange, but as her lips brushed my cheek in greeting, my stomach tightened. I'd never felt this way before when I was with her.

"Late, John, that's not like you," she chided, but her eyes flashed mischievously as we made our way through crowded streets.

"Yeah, London's so...so..."

"Like a rat race," she answered for me. "Let's get some lunch, you must be hungry?"

Nodding, I took her arm to lead her across yet another bustling street, and I caught the scent of her musky perfume as she moved closer. I don't know how long we sat in the restaurant she took us to...I didn't even remember what it looked like afterwards. All I was aware of was her. I was realizing with a shock that I liked her...I mean, I really liked her.

Over the next few days we spent almost every hour together when I wasn't working. It was hard not to take the friendship one step further...I wondered how she felt about me, wondered at the way she looked at me, although it wasn't in her nature to flirt...

How wrong could I have read the signs? Feel like an idiot as I recall the next few months of hurried e-mails, quick phone calls and an occasional fleeting visit...

Being back at the space station I realized just how isolated I was. I'd never acknowledged how lonely my existence was before I met her, as the hours between rescues began to drag. The solace I found from being alone turned to restlessness, her image constantly on my mind...could I be falling for her? I hadn't a clue, all I'd ever cared for was my family and career; yet every time I heard her voice or saw her face, my stomach knotted.

I buried my feelings until a few months later when I was invited to work at the London Observatory again; this time for three weeks. I knew this was as good a time as any to find out how she really felt...

I wander aimlessly across the control room, feeling cold and barren inside, like I'll never be warm again. Come on John... get a grip!

Entering my sleeping quarters, I catch my reflection in a mirror; my eyes are cold, expressionless. As the desolation turns to regret, I ask myself one question...WHY? Why not me? I want to be happy for her, that she has found someone she loves; I want what's best for her; but I loved her...and I still do. And love is selfish... Loneliness creeps over my body like ivy edging up a wall. The weight of loss forces the breath from my lungs as I lie back on my bed. Her voice is all around me. I cover my ears; shut my eyes that sting with salty water, throat so taut it hurts. I can't help it, I'm rerunning it in my mind again, thinking about what happened next...

A week into my trip I was walking past her bedroom and I could hear her voice through the partly open door. Instead of walking on, as I know I should have done, I hesitated. She was talking to a friend on the phone and as the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat...

"He's everything I want in a man, Vivienne." My body tensed, could she possibly be talking about... me?

"I know Mr. Tracy is the man for me, even though he doesn't know it yet." I froze, hardly able to believe I finally had confirmation of her feelings for me...confirmation I'd hardly dared to hope for.

I returned to my room, mind working overtime. Questions swirled round my head till I couldn't think anymore. But there was one important one that kept coming back again and again and again...Could I possibly consider giving everything up for this woman? Despite my own feelings, I was torn.

Beep...beep...beep...

It's the vid-cam; dad checking in.

"Everything all right, son?" His face has that I'm-concerned-about-you look etched across it. You can't fool him, he has vision like a hawk, never misses a thing... "Yeah, everything's fine, dad."

"And you, how are you doing up there?" Lips curve automatically, revealing white, if only you knew...but I can't tell him, not any of them. I mustn't crumble; I just have to get on with it until this all passes. My throat feels so dry I can hardly speak.

"I'm fine dad, really." He looks unconvinced.

"We have visitors, want to say hello? I'll just call them up from the pool."

"Sure." I want to end the conversation, watching dad mouthing sentences but not hearing his words. I fix the smile in place, mind trailing off...

There were only a few days left, but after a couple of sleepless nights, I knew I'd made the right decision. We'd had dinner and were chatting in the garden. I remember that the night was crisp and fresh, the sky clear, her pale complexion reflected the moonlight. Looking at her, my blood began to race...I had to tell her.

"Are you okay, John?" She sensed I wanted to talk. "You've been very distracted lately...is there something you want to talk about?"

"I'm fine." The words lodged in my throat as her expectant eyes watched. I couldn't back out now, not after all these months.

"But there is something I need to tell you."

I moved closer, the blood warming through my body, my palms sweating with nerves. Leaning forward, I caught my reflection in her eyes as my mouth moved onto smooth lips. Her perfume was intoxicating...I had finally arrived in heaven.

Her body tensed as she pulled away. I saw a look of confusion and shocked disbelief and heard two words that made my blood run cold. "No, John."

All I wanted to do was move closer but instead I froze, my mind swimming with confusion.

"But...I thought...I heard you, on the phone, you said, Mr. Tracy..." My voice trailed to nothing as I saw a look of horror, then realisation.

"John, please listen to me," she took my hand; hesitated, trying to find the right words. "I do care for you, John, but as a brother and friend." Trying to soften the blow. "I'm so sorry..." her eyes averted from mine.

"It's okay." Smiling, I waved my hand, keeping my face and voice neutral to show her everything was fine. I was lying, of course... my legs had turned to lead, and the pain I felt inside was so deep it took my breath away.

Just one question remained unanswered; if I wasn't the Tracy she talked about, then who was? I couldn't ask; I think I knew she wouldn't want to tell me...

"John... John?" A sharp intake of breath; she is staring back at me through the vid-cam. So this is dad's visitor. My smile remains fixed, revealing nothing of the pain that I'm feeling as she talks to me... I see her mouth moving, but I don't hear the words...

I'd only been home for a week, but all I wanted was to escape the confines of the Island and my family and be alone with my pain. She had insisted on travelling back with me to visit, and it wasn't long before I discovered her secret...

Standing on the balcony, watching the calm serenity of the sea, I allowed my gaze to drift down to the poolside. She was there, looking serenely beautiful... I felt somehow safe watching her from a distance. Then a voice I recognised distracted her; and I saw her whole persona change as a familiar figure sat down next to her.

Dad. It was Dad she was in love with. And he didn't even know it.

It's been a month now, and once again I'm confronted by hard reality as Penny stands next to my father and talks to me through the vid-cam. I can't look away as her blue eyes fix on me. The conversation over the next few minutes is harmless, pleasant. And then she's gone, and I'm alone again.

I hope things work out for you, Penny. I really do.

I sit there for a long time after I sign off, then drift back over to the observation window. Space...no past no future, just the present. Exactly what I need right now...