10: MARTIAN INVASION

International Rescue fend off alien invaders!

Only kidding. What we have here is half a great story, some promising action, and a drawn out finale that doesn’t quite hit the mark.

It opens with an eerie scene. The camera pans past a crossroads signpost in the middle of a lonely, rocky desert. Uncanny ‘space’ music plays as we’re shown what looks for all the world like a flying saucer parked nearby. The titles helpfully come up, suggesting that this could indeed be an alien invasion in the Thunderbirds universe! Two policemen drive into the area. We learn they’re called Maguire and Slim, and are none too happy about being called out because “some nut reported seeing a flying saucer”. Then Maguire spots the alien craft!

They spot two normal-sized green men with scaly skin outside the machine, and there’s a high chance that THESE are the invading Martians! The police try to make contact, and then try to run away, but the aliens open fire with a block-shaped heat ray, which they promptly use to blow up the cops’ car! The police cower within a convenient cave, where they take cover as the Martians shoot and fail to hit either of them. The Martians don’t follow them in despite superior weaponry – perhaps they don’t like enclosed spaces? One Martian keeps the two men pinned down while the other retreats to the spaceship, unveiling a Big Red Gun in the roof!

The alien nearest to the cave tells the men that “you are in our power” (how, exactly?) and orders them out of the cave. When they refuse to budge, the aliens launch a missile! Whatever it is, it doesn’t go boom, and sits there in front of them spitting out gas, like one of those air fresheners that puffs scent when you walk past. It also looks freakily like an unexploded WW2 bomb. The aliens launch a second missile which also just hisses smoke and the cops start getting dizzy, wondering if they should perhaps do as the Martian guy says…(oh, so it’s THAT kind of smoke…!)

Then the screen picture of the Martian turns into a black and white illustration. No, aliens aren’t invading earth at all. Thunderbird Three can lower its space cannon for now. What we have here is a film director making a last ditch pitch for a particularly bad movie he wants to make! A real shame, as Thunderbird machines vs alien spacecraft could have been spectacular! At least they saved it for the comics!

Anyway, the chap pitching his idea is a washed up director named Goldheimer. He seems to have successfully convinced a chap named Mr Bletcher to fund his movie using the money of ‘Mr Stutt’. The mysterious financier sits just off to the side of them both, and has insisted on adding a special scene in the film. For filming this, he will fund Goldheimer’s B-picture for a tidy sum of four million bucks. Producers hold all the cards, and poor Ed Wood-alike Goldheimer is falling over himself to thank them, screw the artistic integrity! Bletcher kicks him out of the office and then the moustached Mr Stutt kicks HIM out. The grumpy guy with the $4 million removes his mask and wig as creepy music plays. Of course he’s none other than the evil criminal mastermind (I use that term loosely), the Hood! He chuckles that part one of his plan is completed, and you just know that International Rescue had better watch out!

There’s more fun to come at the Hood’s temple. Inside there are deep scary shadows and flickering flames that come out in red and green light, playing over angry faced statues. The Hood sits scowling in his throne-like chair, which I’ve just noticed has a face like Zelda from Terrahawks on the panel above his head. Yikes.

There are more atmospheric shots of the scary statues and we hear footsteps approach across the hard floor. A silhouette (looking suspiciously like it has Scott Tracy’s hair) stops behind an opaque screen. Then a thin, high voice asks the Hood if he has completed his “arrangements” yet. The Hood assures his visitor that he will very soon have film of International Rescue’s equipment (steady now) which will cost the silhouette’s boss $200 million! That’s not a bad return on the original $4 million for the film, which I presume will play an important part in this story! Although the price is steep (particularly in the 1960s!) the Hood persuades his guest that ANY country would pay well for the film, and demands “cash on delivery”.

The silhouetted baddie agrees and the Hood wastes no time in kicking off the next section of his plan – manipulating his half-brother Kyrano, who has somehow ended up living on Tracy Island, and conveniently never remembers ANYTHING that the Hood makes him do!

At this time of day, Kyrano is happily serving drinks to the Tracy family while they lounge beside the pool. Actually, we only see Alan thoughtfully fanning Tin-Tin with a (possibly endangered) big feather, and Jeff, who appears to like knocking back a martini or two with his papers and a cigar. Kyrano assures Jeff that it is his “pleasure” to serve the family like this, although even Jeff seems a little worried by how hard his friend works! Kyrano heads into the garden when the Hood hits him with his voodoo, and Kyrano collapses in a flower bed with a high pitched scream. The Hood bullies him into obeying, instructing Kyrano that he WILL go into Thunderbird One and “immobilize the Automatic Camera Detector!” I wonder where he heard its exact name being used? Anyway, Hoody adds his glowing eyes to the mix and, his evil work done, leaves Kyrano to pass out entirely. A moment or two later, Jeff and Tin-Tin come looking for Kyrano – perhaps near enough to hear the screams, but not close enough to actually hear him repeat the Hood’s instructions? Jeff and Tin-Tin insist that Kyrano has been overdoing it and needs to rest. Aww.

In California (most probably) the set of Goldheimer’s Martian Invasion flick is a hive of activity. It looks like they’re about to make the opening sequence come to life! A crewmember polishes the Martians’ Big Red Gun, whilst an actor in half a green Martian costume chats up the makeup girl, claiming he’s much better than this film and had tried to persuade his agent so. The makeup girl’s deadpan “so what’d HE say” prompts are hilarious, and so is his insistence that it isn’t that he’s NOT “versatile…I don’t HAVE to play these Martian zombie parts.” Then it’s almost time for action and he signs off with a “so long, SWEETHEART” to his audience of one.

As the actors and crew take their places, Goldheimer expositions to Bletcher that there’s a fairly small crew here because all the cameras can be run and setup from just one console, so I guess there’s no need for lots of camera operators. Of particular interest is the one positioned way up on the cliff “which Mr Stutt ordered personally”. The camera has a range of “three inches to two miles”, and I think we’ve all figured out the Hood’s plan by now! It’s actually not that stupid, if a little over-baked! Well, OK, it is a BIT stupid…

Bletcher pushes for them to get started with the scene, ‘Mr Stutt’ included, although Goldheimer ineffectually protests that his own shooting schedule would work out a little more “economical”. Bletcher reminds him where the money comes from and poor Goldheimer scurries off to do his job. They’re about to film the first shot, the cave entrance is about to explode with the two ‘cops’ inside it, just as we saw earlier.

‘Mr Stutt’ is overseeing the action and demands to know if Bletcher has “altered the strength of the explosive charges”. Of course Bletcher has! Things are about to go HORRIBLY wrong for the innocent cast of this B-picture.

They start to film ‘Scene 141’ and a man called Brian, riding a natty yellow hoverbike, gets the smoke/alien gas going. Then he zooms clear! The Martian actors deliver their staccato lines, warning the men that the cave “will become your tomb!” and with that, they ‘fire’ at the cave entrance.

BOOOM!!!!

The explosion is HUGE and lots of the mountain collapses over the cave mouth. Poor Goldheimer is understandably upset, but ‘Mr Stutt’ is rather impressed, commenting on a “fine piece of filming”. The Hood is many unspeakable things…!

Back on Tracy Island, the mood is rather more serene. Someone’s riding along the walkway to Thunderbird One in the first time we’ve seen it without actual launch music. Inside Thunderbird One’s cockpit, Tin-Tin is actually doing her REAL job (rather than taking letters or wearing a swimsuit!) and performing some maintenance on Scott’s ‘bird. The new visitor is her father, and Kyrano explains he’s felt a real compulsion to visit her at work. Tin-Tin is delighted at this and tells him she’s checking One’s systems as “they have to be perfect at all times”. Kyrano innocently fishes for more information. She tells him to take a seat in Scott’s control chair and points out parts of the control systems, such as (fan-fiction writers please take notes) the “Ultra HF Guidance System, Horizontal Flight Control, and Automatic Camera Detector”.

Despite the clue in its title, Kyrano enquires what the Automatic Camera Detector (from now on it’s ACD) does. As Tin-Tin explains it’s to stop anyone taking pictures of Thunderbird One without Scott knowing, Kyrano sweats over a flashback to the Hood’s hypnotic orders. Tin-Tin grows concerned and Kyrano says he feels strange, and thinks that he’s wanted to tell her something but can’t remember what it was. Tin-Tin assumes it was a message from Jeff and says not to worry, she’ll go and ask him while Kyrano rests. As she leaves him alone to do the Hood’s work, I like to imagine that hypno-frazzled Kyrano starts subtly stabbing the ACD with a fork…that is, I have to ASSUME that the Hood added “but fer heaven’s sake be SUBTLE about it” to his evil hypnotic suggestion!

Back at the remains of the cave, the actors are still trapped and the production manager tells Goldheimer that they can’t get them out. The poor director is still baffled by how it happened, “unless someone must have tampered with those charges”. He has a brain after all, bless him.

It’s rapidly filling up with water inside the cave, which is starting to wake the two actors trapped inside. However, Goldheimer despairs that anyone will be able to save them, which is naturally the point when Bletcher nonchalantly suggests he might try calling International Rescue…

John Tracy’s gazing out Thunderbird Five’s window when Goldheimer’s frantic radio call comes through. “This is urgent!” the director exclaims. The cave is continuing to fill with water.

John calls Tracy Island and explains the situation. Handily, Scott and Virgil were already in the lounge, too, and Virgil pipes up with “sounds like Thunderbird Two will be needed. Pod Five?” Jeff replies with a nod, “Pod Five”. Awww. Next we get a quick succession of launches, Scott and Virgil get to leave simultaneously, and they’re on their way moments later. It’s always great to hear Thunderbird Two’s engines whirring about halfway through an episode.

There’s a contrasting silence after hearing the Thunderbirds taking off. Bletcher assures a worried Goldheimer that of course IR will manage to save the men (I would like to point out that even the Hood rarely doubts that they will save the day!) and then ‘Mr Stutt’ sends Bletcher packing with a promise the little rat will get his share of the loot. Or possibly a bullet in the brain, methinks.

The cave water laps around the actors’ ankles but Scott is about to land at the set. He’s already doing what appears to be his height and airspeed landing check in his trademark clipped voice. He’s utterly unaware that the ACD has indeed been knackered by Kyrano, proved when it fails to tell him that the Hood is merrily filming him land! Then Scott asks for some guys to help him with his equipment. (Is it really that funny? Yes, yes it is.)

Inside the collapsed cave, the situation is getting even worse! Scott yells over the radio device that the film crew had already put in there to find out how the two actors are doing. Scott seems a little shocked when he learns that, by their reckoning, they’ve got about thirty minutes until the water drowns them. “That’s…not much time…!” Scott then chases Virgil for an estimated time of arrival (OK, ETA is such a cool phrase) and Virgil tells him he’ll be there in five minutes! Scott orders him to unload the drilling equipment as soon as he arrives, as they’ll have just twenty-five minutes left to effect a rescue!

The water’s coming up to the actor’s ankles and they aren’t too hopeful, telling Scott to hurry up! Scott calmly but firmly assures them that rescue is on its way and we see Virgil landing – still oblivious to being filmed by the Hood. So, from this I take it that Thunderbird Two, the largest and most easily filmed (on Earth) of ALL the Thunderbird craft, has NO ACD at ALL? Maybe they’re REALLY, REALLY expensive?

The Hood cackles that HIS price is going up with every frame he records, as Virgil unveils the latest pod vehicle, a big beasty of a truck which I think is named the Excadigger. Virgil starts the big blades at the front of the vehicle and it begins drilling into the rock by the cave and then sucking it out the back! Very cool. The actors can hear something going on outside, and that’s when Virgil lifts up the first drill and starts with a longer, thinner one that burrows more exactly into the mountain.

There’s a very nice example now of Scott doing his best work; he keeps the actors calm and instructs them on what to expect. He tells them that Virgil’s drilling a hole for their escape and soon they’ll have to dive into the water, then the pressure will do the rest. One actor (it’s hard to tell them apart at this point, they’re both drenched!) protests that he can’t swim and Scott says he won’t have to. The same guy says that he’s afraid he’ll drown, but his friend points out (before Scott can?) that he’ll drown if he stays there! Scott tells them to hold out for just five more minutes! Virgil says he hopes the guys can hold out!

As the moment of truth gets nearer, one of the actors vows that if they make it out alive, they’ll certainly “fix” whoever “fixed” those charges! Yes, a little catharsis would be nice, wouldn’t it?

The Hood’s still filming the rescue and Virgil’s hard at work in the driver’s seat. Brown water starts coming out of the Excadigger’s rear instead of rock and Virgil announces he’s withdrawing his equipment now! And looks REALLY pleased!

Scott warns the two actors it’s nearly time to go, and then orders them to dive! They obey and get pushed, as predicted, along through the water and past some alarmingly big rocks that are also in the flow. The plan seems to have worked, and two rather bedraggled blue figures are spewed out onto the muddy, rocky ground outside the collapsed cave! Inside the mountain, the water seems to have brought down the rest of the cave and it disintegrates rapidly. The Hood carries on filming while we see in close up that the two actors are both fine, although hacking up rather a lot of water!

International Rescue have succeeded! Scott and Virgil lean relaxed and happy against Mobile Control while a puppy-like Goldheimer gabbles his thanks. He seems really nice! He offers to put them in the movie, and in a shot framing just Scott and Virgil, Virgil glances wryly at Scott, who politely refuses, saying, “we’re not the movie star type”. Aww, there go Virgil’s dreams of stardom! I reckon Goldheimer could squeeze them in disguised as the Martian baddies, though…anyway, Scott looks incredibly chilled out and says they really should be getting back. Possibly before he nods off. Virgil gets talkative, adding that “life gets pretty hectic in the International Rescue Organisation”.

The Hood is still filming, and gloats that all he needs now are the final shots of the Thunderbirds taking off. Although if I were him I’d get out of there before my plan inevitably unravels!

Virgil lowers TB2 back over Pod Five and calls Scott, saying, “See you back home.”

Scott cheerfully responds, “FAB, Virgil…” and then bids goodbye to Goldheimer from his cockpit window. He stops the director from taking pictures, but becomes alarmed when Goldheimer asks if he can keep the ones he already took!

Scott’s immediately all business again, realising that the ACD has been tampered with and that anyone could have taken pictures of the craft, “even a whole film!”

And they have! The Hood appears to have seen Scott’s discovery, because he hasn’t hung around for Thunderbird One to leave anymore. His wig and mask dangle from the fancy camera up on the cliff, and he’s made off with the valuable footage!

Scott goes over the film shot that day on the camera control unit. Poor Goldheimer tries to persuade Scott that no one has been filming as they were all watching the rescue, but Scott very firmly and politely, says, “…if you don’t mind, the playback…” Goldheimer runs the footage, and we see the Martian ship and the guys in the cave, then the Big Red Gun and the canister landing in the cave. However, on the next tape, Scott sees footage of Thunderbird One’s landing and exclaims that “I’ve got to destroy that film,” also telling Goldheimer to “do the same to your shots, will you?” Seriously, Scott, he’s a film director – I’d shoot that recording machine right now and reimburse the guy! Mind you, this IS Goldheimer, and he eagerly agrees!

The Hood is making off in his jeep. Scott spots him leaving the site and when Goldheimer doesn’t recognise the guy, Scott sets off in hot pursuit.

The Hood calls the mysterious ‘General X’, who lives in a rather twee mansion. Hoody boasts that he has “outwitted International Rescue” and that “their plans  are secret no longer!” Now, surely he means either ‘identities’ or ‘machinery’ or something, but ‘plans’? Not so much. Surely it isn’t THAT easy to build something just from watching it, or we’d all be crossing the Atlantic in Thunderbird Two by now? Well, after his rather premature boasting, the Hood speeds across the desert to deliver his precious cargo.

Scott has reported the situation to Tracy Island and lets Jeff know that he can’t even wipe the film with the electromagnetic beam (which is actually a reference to ‘Terror in New York City’, a later episode in this sequence, where Scott does just this to a certain reporter’s footage…). Although Scott clearly appears guilty about letting this happen, Jeff still rubs in that IR’s “entire future” is at stake, adding that they cannot operate without total secrecy, “You KNOW that.” Scott answers a tad defensively, “Yes, Father, I do.” But Scott’s justifiably concerned by HOW the detector was damaged in the first place! Jeff promises to look into it but adds that Scott’s priority is to destroy the film!

As the Hood is escaping the world’s fastest aircraft in a JEEP, it’s not that surprising that Scott swoops overhead a moment later. This may raise memories of a similar chase in ‘Move and You’re Dead’, but Scott actually warns the Hood this time! He asks him to pull over, even says “please” and then says he’ll give Hoody a countdown before using “more persuasive methods”. Gulp. The Hood looks worried! Scott reaches “three” before realising the Hood’s unlikely to stop, and appears concerned that he might actually have to shoot (and probably kill) this guy! However, on “one” the Hood swerves the jeep violently to one side and Scott overshoots along the road, missing him entirely.

It takes two seconds for Scott to catch up with the Hood again and despite his warning to “Stop now or you’ll get shot to pieces!” the Hood doesn’t stop! Saying quietly, “Ok, buddy, you asked for it…” Scott opens fire! The Hood promptly disappears into a nearby tunnel! Amazingly, Scott doesn’t then smack into the mountain it goes through!

Scott reports that the Hood was “just too quick for me” to Jeff. Aww, man, fastest craft on the planet and everything, confounded by a TUNNEL… Scott debates whether he should go to the other end or hang on where he is. If he goes in on foot, the Hood will have too big a head start on him. Gordon has a solution (Gordon gets a line!) what if Virgil takes care of one end of the tunnel? Alan provides them with a map reference. Scott thanks Alan and heads to the other end of the tunnel, while Virgil gets the news in Thunderbird Two. Time to change course!

The Hood, referring to himself as “Agent Seven-Nine”, calls General X and lets him know there might be a bit of a delay. General X is miffed about this, but Hoody assures him he will have the ‘plans’ soon, once he’s shaken off International Rescue. The general is annoyed that after all the Hood’s boasts of having “defeated” International Rescue, now they’re on his tail! General also says that if the plans aren’t in his hands “within the hour” then the deal is off. Why the time condition? What possible difference can it make? Aren’t these highly coveted pictures? Sheesh. Anyway, the Hood is clearly rattled, not at all the evil mastermind here, promising the general he’ll get him the plans whilst somehow not leading IR to the general’s hideout. The Hood needs a union! The hapless criminal wonders what he’s going to do.

In the often-used last line repeat, Jeff is also wondering what action the Hood’s going to take; leave the tunnel, or carry on to the other end?

Scott has arrived at the north end of the tunnel. Jeff rather unnecessarily asks him to keep an eye on it, adding that Virgil is now at the other end.

At this point the Hood sneaks out for a look at the south end, obviously not too afraid that Scott will see him and blast him to pieces! It seems that the road and sky are empty. The Hood thinks that the “fools” have gone to “seek him” at the other end of the tunnel. He doesn’t realise that Virgil is almost there, just coming over the ridge. Jeff is pleased that they have the Hood trapped, and Virgil sees the criminal leaving the entrance! Jeff lets Virgil know that the state police have given backing for IR to do whatever it takes to stop the Hood. Virgil subtly asks for extra help by pointing out that the road is twisting and the terrain is rather rugged – Jeff sends Scott over to help Virgil out at the “other end”, heh.

Scott tells Virgil he’ll be right with him, but Virgil is taking a proactive approach and attempts to create a landslide to cut off the Hood’s escape! It’s drastic, but works! Virgil reports that the Hood has stopped and is leaving the jeep. Virgil says he will chase after the Hood on foot, just as soon as he’s found somewhere to land. He points out that it won’t be easy to put TB2 down in this terrain!

Meanwhile, General X is growing impatient, muttering to himself about what can have happened to “that incompetent fool”! Suddenly, the Hood seems a lot less frightening. But then, he should really think these plans through a little harder!

Virgil’s successfully parked somewhere in the mountainous terrain and follows the Hood’s muddy footprints from his hoverbike. Virgil spots the Hood making off in a stolen small aircraft, and I have sudden memories of a Tex Avery cartoon-style chase, which this basically is. All we’re missing is the train and the trip to Alaska. Although Virgil seems about half a mile from the airfield, he reports the stolen plane’s type and serial number back to Scott.

Scott’s all over it, turning Thunderbird One around a lovely curve. The Hood is less elegant in his tiny plane which he’s pretty awful at flying to begin with. He soon congratulates himself on mastering its controls and rings up General X again, announcing that this time he is SURE he has finally lost IR! (Better look behind you, pal.) The Hood requests permission to land next to General X’s plush villa, proving that not only is the Hood a total idiot, but the faceless general is as well!

Scott underlines this by letting Jeff know that they’re “breaking out the chase”. The good news is that the light plane Hoody stole was due for a major overhaul, and is unlikely to stay in the air for longer than a few minutes! (D’oh?). I suppose that’s better than, say, having Scott shoot him down. That wouldn’t really be sportsmanlike, after all.

The Hood soon realises this, too, as the plane sputters and the controls stop working. He barely misses a tall mast and ‘hilarious’ music plays as the moronic mastermind careers across the sky and the plane starts to lose height. Really quickly. He tries frantically not to hit some telegraph wires, and appears to do ONE sensible thing by ejecting his fuel supply as he hurtles towards the general’s villa and overshoots the roof by millimetres! The Hood apologises for the close call and says that he will be trying again. Er, Hoody, if the general has any sense he will be halfway to Tipperary by now in a private jet.

Scott drifts nearby in Thunderbird One, as if settling down to watch the end of the Hood’s show. He comments that “it looks like the end is pretty near”. He’s not wrong. The plane billows smoke, blinding the Hood so that he hits the runway VERY badly and bounces upward. With a final screech of engines, he SMASHES the cockpit directly into the villa!

There’s a view of this carnage from Scott’s window. Scott acts completely out of character here, cheerily saying, “Well, I guess that’s the end of that little episode. The stolen film COULDN’T have survived THAT smash.”

Er, Scotty – ARE YOU SURE??

It seems that Scott goes home for tea instead of, say, checking if the bad guy’s still in there, if the people inside the villa are alive, or making sure the VERY IMPORTANT stolen film is, like, really melted. Argh. This always felt like such a LAZY way to end the episode, particularly after the chase and possibility of an actual confrontation with the Hood and the IR team. Sadly, this sort of opportunity will continue to be squandered throughout the series.

Anyway, the final few scenes fail to clear up any uncertainties, but they do take us back to Goldheimer. It looks like he rebuilt the cave entrance, and calls “action!” on the explosion that the Hood sabotaged earlier. This time, all goes according to plan! Goldheimer praises the Special Effects crew, and comments that, “That would even have pleased Mr Stutt, or whatever that guy called himself…”

He’s talking to Scott and Virgil, who are there dressed in their civilian clothes watching the shooting. Aww. These are the good kind of unanswered questions, like ‘did Jeff help finance the rest of the movie?’ and ‘do they have bit-parts later as Martians?’! Or perhaps they packed the Excadigger just in case anything else went wrong. Without really answering Goldheimer, Virgil speculates that the guy they chased might JUST be the “Agent” who’s been “after our plans ever since we went into the rescue business.” Wow, they’re giving Virgil lots of those long sentences in this episode. Scott replies that he’s been wondering the same thing himself, but promises that “whatever disguise he wears, we’ll get him, one day…” Oh, if only. Without going into a fifty-two page rant about this, I’ll just observe that he looks sort of guiltily at the camera here, maybe because he didn’t actually seem to go and check the plane crash. Or am I reading too much into it? Probably…and the episode ends there.

A story with many possibilities, “Martian Invasion” promises much but, as was often the case with Thunderbirds, it fails to answer enough questions for modern audiences (and not in a Lost way, either)! The ending disappoints, on the whole, with Scott lazily assuming all is back to normal and the Hood being the worst evil spy on the entire planet. Also, nobody on Tracy Island appears even the slightest bit curious how the Automatic Camera Detector could have been tampered with. This story would have worked far better as a movie plot, giving it time to resolve the events into a more satisfying conclusion. Another half hour would have cleared up an awful lot. After all, the Hood was stopped, but IR did little more than chase him! If he’d had a half-decent escape plan (like, say, a private aircraft perhaps?) then they’d be in serious trouble! Like in “The Uninvited”, so much potential gets squandered and here the Hood’s plot is resolved with minimal effort, leaving the payoff feeling rather hollow and disappointing. Basically, it just makes IR look lazy. Very out of character!