MOMENT OF DESPAIR by BOOMERCAT RATED FRPT

Gordon isn't always happy-go-lucky.

How do you do it? How do you pay them back? I mean, obviously, money is out of the question. The gift they gave me is priceless, the cost to themselves inconceivable. And even if I had as much money as say, Dad, how much would be enough? No, money doesn’t work. There isn’t enough money in the world.

So what do I do? How do I make it up to them? Like Grandma, for instance. She was there by my side even before you could say I was conscious. My brothers say she talked herself hoarse while I was floating in and out of that gray netherworld. I only know that her soft voice was an anchor that kept me from drifting away entirely. When I was more, um, with it, she was there stroking my brow, smiling encouragement. I could never say this to my older brothers, or my Dad, but as far as I’m concerned, she’s really my mother. My birth mom died when I was a baby, but I don’t think she could possibly have loved me any more that Grandma does. It about broke my heart when I mentioned to my brother that she never once cried the entire time I was in that hospital bed. He didn’t dispute what I said, but the look on his face told me that she cried plenty.

And what about my brother? What about Scott? It took me a shamefully long time to realize that he was there day in, day out. When I was at my lowest ebb, he was like… like a giant air bubble beneath me, keeping me from sinking any further. He listened to my bullshit self pity, and did a fair share of cleaning up after me. He told me jokes, and read me the newspaper. He talked to me for hours on end. He was just there. And me? I didn’t even notice that he was there for too long. When I finally came out of my self-absorption, I found that he had given up his commission to be there for me. His Air Force commission. Scott had wanted to fly for as long as I could remember. The day he joined the Air Force was one of the most jubilant days of my life, because it was the most jubilant day of his. And I took that away from him. How can I repay that? What could I possibly do with my life that could pay my brother back for losing the thing that most defined him?

And it’s the same with everybody else in the family. Virgil quit his job. Just walked away from it. He had just gotten this fabulous promotion. He loved what he was doing, and every time I talked to him, he'd just go on and on about it. Now he never mentions it. It's like he can't talk about it because it hurts so much. Just one more debt for me.

Johnny gave up the chance to spend his senior year abroad. He was going to study under some French guy who'd revolutionized laser communications. Even more than Virgil and his engineering talk, I never really could grasp half of what John was talking about. But I loved him for it. Screw the Olympic medal, I knew that in ten years I'd be telling anyone who listened that I was John Tracy's brother. He says the nice thing about studying communications is that you can do it at Harvard as well as anywhere, but I know he wanted that study grant more than anything in his life, and he walked away from it because of me.

And even Alan got himself kicked out of school for causing a fire in a lab. I know my kid brother well enough to know the only reason that fire started was because he was too distracted with worry over my sorry ass. He pretends that it was a lucky break, but again, I know him, and I know how his pride was hurt by that stupid accident. How am I going to make it up to him?

And my dad? My dad never stayed in one place for more that a few weeks at a time. He said it was to keep his business going, but we all knew that keeping himself busy kept his ongoing grief over the death of our mother from overwhelming him. He's done that traveling for years, and I know that it had become a lifestyle that he treasured. He’s stayed right by me from the moment of the accident. And even though I am home now, he still stays nearby. It’s like if he lets me out of his sight, I’ll die on him, and that grief on top of his grief over Mom would shatter him like a light bulb dropped onto concrete. He says it was time for him to settle down, get the Rescue Project into high gear, but I know he's only doing that because of me.

I’ve changed all of their lives, and not for the better. How am I ever going to make it up to them? How do I do it?